Mind Vision Techniques
Friday, January 25, 2008
How to build a good personality
Do people treat you unfairly? Have you ever wondered why? Well, we livein a fallen world, and we are all filled with sin. Sin affects our relationships, thee way you treat people and the way they treat you. Yet even in sin we have the choice to make a difference. So are you?
Perhaps you need to check this list of do’s and don’ts, and maybe
there is a flaw in your spiritual walk.
DO Smile it costs nothing and is always appreciated!
DON'T ignore people even when you don't want to talk, be friendly when some says "Hello"!
DO make people feel important. Make each person feel that they are special!
DON'T Brag! No one likes a person who is full of themselves!
Be an honest person!
DO have sense of humor! Laugh and people will laugh with you,cry and you cry alone!
DON'T always have problems, troubles or always need help,or you will soon be alone!
DO encourage people! Tell others what you like about them or when they are doing well.
DON'T criticize or cut down people, even yourself!
DO have an interest in many things. Be an interesting person!
DON'T grab the best, biggest, and most for yourself give others a break!
DO meet, strangers, it's hard. You can make a great friend by being friendly to someone you might not know!
DON'T make fun of others when they make a mistake or do something dumb!
DO help others when they have a problem and share what you have with others!
DON'T have a bad temper, or be an angry person looking for an argument or fight!
DO look good, clean, neat, & well groomed!
DON'T blame others for their mistakes or worse, for yours!
DO keep a confidence. If someone tells you something keep it to yourself!
DON'T be too cool! Cool people are never popular people,they are too cool!
DO listen and be an encourager!
DON'T over correct people!
DO take a joke and be a good sport!
DO remember names!
DON'T be loud and obnoxious! DO be yourself.
DO thank people!
...AND BE FRIENDLY!!!
Sit back and close your eyes, and visualize your spiritual pilgrimage that is growth.
What is your first memory of God?
What was the highest time in your relationship with God?
What was the lowest time?
Now on a piece of paper draw a graph by years since you were born until today, and mark the ups and downs. Do another graph using the same years and chart how you treated people, your family, your friends, people at church, and strangers.
Perhaps you need to check this list of do’s and don’ts, and maybe
there is a flaw in your spiritual walk.
DO Smile it costs nothing and is always appreciated!
DON'T ignore people even when you don't want to talk, be friendly when some says "Hello"!
DO make people feel important. Make each person feel that they are special!
DON'T Brag! No one likes a person who is full of themselves!
Be an honest person!
DO have sense of humor! Laugh and people will laugh with you,cry and you cry alone!
DON'T always have problems, troubles or always need help,or you will soon be alone!
DO encourage people! Tell others what you like about them or when they are doing well.
DON'T criticize or cut down people, even yourself!
DO have an interest in many things. Be an interesting person!
DON'T grab the best, biggest, and most for yourself give others a break!
DO meet, strangers, it's hard. You can make a great friend by being friendly to someone you might not know!
DON'T make fun of others when they make a mistake or do something dumb!
DO help others when they have a problem and share what you have with others!
DON'T have a bad temper, or be an angry person looking for an argument or fight!
DO look good, clean, neat, & well groomed!
DON'T blame others for their mistakes or worse, for yours!
DO keep a confidence. If someone tells you something keep it to yourself!
DON'T be too cool! Cool people are never popular people,they are too cool!
DO listen and be an encourager!
DON'T over correct people!
DO take a joke and be a good sport!
DO remember names!
DON'T be loud and obnoxious! DO be yourself.
DO thank people!
...AND BE FRIENDLY!!!
Sit back and close your eyes, and visualize your spiritual pilgrimage that is growth.
What is your first memory of God?
What was the highest time in your relationship with God?
What was the lowest time?
Now on a piece of paper draw a graph by years since you were born until today, and mark the ups and downs. Do another graph using the same years and chart how you treated people, your family, your friends, people at church, and strangers.
Building Self-Confidence
Develop the self-confidence you deserve!
From the quietly confident doctor whose advice we rely on, to the star-quality confidence of an inspiring speaker, self-confident people have qualities that everyone admires. Jack Welch once said: “Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible” (Capitalism Magazine, 2002). This powerfully conveys the enormous role self-confidence plays in achieving greater success in whatever you do.
Self-confidence is extremely important in almost every aspect of our lives, yet so many people struggle to find it. Sadly, this can be a vicious circle: People who lack self-confidence can find it difficult to become successful. After all, would you instinctively want to back a project that was being pitched by someone who was nervous, fumbling and overly apologetic?
On the other hand, you might be persuaded by someone who spoke clearly, who held their head high, who answered questions assuredly, and who readily admitted when he/she did not know something.
Self-confident people inspire confidence in others: Their audience, their peers, their bosses, their customers, and their friends. Gaining the confidence of others is one of the key ways in which a self-confident person finds success.
The good news is that self-confidence really can be learned and built on. And, whether you’re working on your own self-confidence or building the confidence of people around you, it’s well-worth the effort! All other things being equal, self-confidence is often the single ingredient that distinguishes a successful person from someone less successful.
So how confident do you seem to others?
Your level of self-confidence can show in many ways: Your behavior, your body language, how you speak, what you say, and so on. Look at the following comparisons of common confident behavior with behavior associated with low self-confidence. Which thoughts or actions do you recognize in yourself and people around you?
Self-Confident
Low Self-Confidence
Doing what you believe to be right, even if others mock or criticize you for it.
Governing your behavior based on what other people think.
Being willing to take risks and go the extra mile to achieve better things.
Staying in your comfort zone, fearing failure and so avoid taking risks.
Admitting your mistakes and vowing to learn from them.
Working hard to cover up mistakes and praying that you can fix the problem before anyone is the wiser.
Waiting for others to congratulate you on your accomplishments.
Extolling your own virtues as often as possible to as many people as possible.
Accepting compliments graciously. “Thanks, I really worked hard on that prospectus. I’m pleased you recognize my efforts.”
Dismissing compliments offhandedly. “Oh that prospectus was nothing really, anyone could have done it.”
As you can see from these examples, low self-confidence can be self-destructive, and it often manifests itself as negativity. Self-confident people are generally more positive – they believe in themselves and their abilities, and they also believe in the wonders of living life to the full.
Tip: Balanced Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is about balance. At one extreme, we have people with low self-confidence. At the other end, we have people who may be over-confident.
Good self-confidence is a matter of having the right amount of confidence, founded in reality and on your true ability. With the right amount of self-confidence, you will take informed risks, stretch yourself (but not beyond your abilities) and try hard.
By contrast, if you are under-confident, you’ll avoid taking risks and stretching yourself; and you might not try at all. This means that you’ll fail to reach your potential. And if you’re over-confident, you’ll probably take too much risk, stretch yourself beyond your capabilities, and crash badly. You may also find that you’re so optimistic, that you don’t try hard enough to truly succeed.
So, self-confidence needs to be founded on reality: realistic expectations, your skills and experience, and the effort and preparation that you are willing to put in to reach your goal.
Building Self-Confidence
So how do you build this sense of balanced self-confidence, founded on a firm appreciation of reality?
The bad news is that there’s no quick fix or 5-minute solution.
The good news is that building self-confidence is readily achievable, just as long as you have the focus and determination to carry things through. And what’s even better is that the things you’ll do will build success – after all, your confidence will come from real, solid achievement. No-one can take this away from you!
So here are our three steps to self-confidence, for which we’ll use the metaphor of a journey: Preparing for your journey; setting out; and accelerating towards success.
Step 1: Preparing for Your Journey:
The first step involves getting yourself ready for your journey to self-confidence. You need to take stock of where you are, think about where you want to go, get yourself in the right mindset for your journey, and commit yourself to starting it and staying with it.
In preparing for your journey, do the following things:
Look at what you’ve already achieved:
Relive your life so far, and list the ten best things you’ve achieved in an “Achievement Log.” Perhaps you came top in an important test or exam, played a key role in an important team, produced the best sales figures in a period, did something that made a key difference in someone else’s life, or delivered a project that meant a lot for your business.
Put these into a smartly formatted document, which you can look at often. And then spend a few minutes each week enjoying the success you’ve already had!
Think about what's important to you, and who you really are:
Next, think about the things that are really important to you, and what you want to achieve with your life. (A good way of doing this is to use our Design Your Life workbook to think this through in detail.)
Then use a technique like SWOT Analysis to take a look at who and where you are. Looking at your Achievement Log, and reflecting on your recent life, think about what your friends would consider to be your strengths and weaknesses. From these, think about the opportunities and threats you face.
Make sure that you enjoy a few minutes reflecting on your strengths!
Think about where you want to go:
Setting and achieving goals is a key part of building self-confidence. Goal setting is the process you use to set yourself targets, and measure your successful hitting of those targets. See our article on goal setting to find out how to use this important technique.
Inform your goal setting with your SWOT Analysis. Set goals that exploit your strengths, minimize your weaknesses, realize your opportunities, and control the threats you face.
And having set the major goals in your life, identify the first step in each. A tip: Make sure it’s a very small step, perhaps taking no more than an hour to complete!
Start managing your mind:At this stage, you need to start managing your mind. Learn to pick up and defeat the negative self-talk which can destroy your confidence.
And learn how to use imagery to create strong mental images of what you’ll feel and experience as you achieve your major goals – there’s something about doing this that makes even major goals seem achievable!
And then commit yourself to success!
The final part of preparing for the journey is to make a clear and unequivocal promise to yourself that you are absolutely committed to your journey, and that you will do all in your power to achieve it.
If as you’re doing it, you find doubts starting to surface, write them down and challenge them calmly and rationally. If they dissolve under scrutiny, that’s great. However if they are based on genuine risks, make sure you set additional goals to manage them appropriately.
Either way, make that promise!
Step 2: Setting Out:
Here you start, ever so slowly, moving towards your goal. By doing the right things, and starting with small, easy wins, you’ll put yourself on the path to success – and the self-confidence that comes with it.
Build the knowledge you need to succeed:
Looking at your goals, identify the skills you’ll need to achieve them. And then look at how you can acquire these skills confidently and well. Don’t just accept a sketchy, just-good-enough solution – look for a solution, a program or a course that fully equips you to achieve what you want to achieve, and ideally gives you a certificate you can be proud of.
Focus on the basics:
When you’re starting, don’t try to do anything clever or elaborate. And don’t reach for perfection – just enjoy doing simple things successfully and well.
Set small goals, and achieve them:
Starting with the very small goals you identified in step 1, get in the habit of setting goals, achieving them, and celebrating that achievement. Don’t make goals particularly challenging at this stage, just get into the habit of achieving them and celebrating them. And little by little, start piling up the successes!
Keep managing your mind:Stay on top of that positive thinking, keep celebrating and enjoying success, and keep those mental images strong. You can also use a technique like Treasure Mapping to make the visualization even stronger!
And on the other side, learn to handle failure. Accept that mistakes happen when you’re trying something new. In fact, if you get into the habit of treating mistakes as learning experiences, you can (almost) start to see them in a positive light. After all, there’s a lot to be said for the saying “if it doesn’t kill me, it makes me stronger!”
Step 3: Accelerating Towards Success:
By this stage, you’ll feel your self-confidence building. You’ll have completed some of the courses you started in step 2, and you’ll have plenty of success to celebrate!
Now’s the time to start stretching yourself. Make the goals a bit bigger, and the challenges a bit tougher. Increase the size of your commitment. And extend the skills you’ve proven into new, but closely related arenas.
From the quietly confident doctor whose advice we rely on, to the star-quality confidence of an inspiring speaker, self-confident people have qualities that everyone admires. Jack Welch once said: “Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible” (Capitalism Magazine, 2002). This powerfully conveys the enormous role self-confidence plays in achieving greater success in whatever you do.
Self-confidence is extremely important in almost every aspect of our lives, yet so many people struggle to find it. Sadly, this can be a vicious circle: People who lack self-confidence can find it difficult to become successful. After all, would you instinctively want to back a project that was being pitched by someone who was nervous, fumbling and overly apologetic?
On the other hand, you might be persuaded by someone who spoke clearly, who held their head high, who answered questions assuredly, and who readily admitted when he/she did not know something.
Self-confident people inspire confidence in others: Their audience, their peers, their bosses, their customers, and their friends. Gaining the confidence of others is one of the key ways in which a self-confident person finds success.
The good news is that self-confidence really can be learned and built on. And, whether you’re working on your own self-confidence or building the confidence of people around you, it’s well-worth the effort! All other things being equal, self-confidence is often the single ingredient that distinguishes a successful person from someone less successful.
So how confident do you seem to others?
Your level of self-confidence can show in many ways: Your behavior, your body language, how you speak, what you say, and so on. Look at the following comparisons of common confident behavior with behavior associated with low self-confidence. Which thoughts or actions do you recognize in yourself and people around you?
Self-Confident
Low Self-Confidence
Doing what you believe to be right, even if others mock or criticize you for it.
Governing your behavior based on what other people think.
Being willing to take risks and go the extra mile to achieve better things.
Staying in your comfort zone, fearing failure and so avoid taking risks.
Admitting your mistakes and vowing to learn from them.
Working hard to cover up mistakes and praying that you can fix the problem before anyone is the wiser.
Waiting for others to congratulate you on your accomplishments.
Extolling your own virtues as often as possible to as many people as possible.
Accepting compliments graciously. “Thanks, I really worked hard on that prospectus. I’m pleased you recognize my efforts.”
Dismissing compliments offhandedly. “Oh that prospectus was nothing really, anyone could have done it.”
As you can see from these examples, low self-confidence can be self-destructive, and it often manifests itself as negativity. Self-confident people are generally more positive – they believe in themselves and their abilities, and they also believe in the wonders of living life to the full.
Tip: Balanced Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is about balance. At one extreme, we have people with low self-confidence. At the other end, we have people who may be over-confident.
Good self-confidence is a matter of having the right amount of confidence, founded in reality and on your true ability. With the right amount of self-confidence, you will take informed risks, stretch yourself (but not beyond your abilities) and try hard.
By contrast, if you are under-confident, you’ll avoid taking risks and stretching yourself; and you might not try at all. This means that you’ll fail to reach your potential. And if you’re over-confident, you’ll probably take too much risk, stretch yourself beyond your capabilities, and crash badly. You may also find that you’re so optimistic, that you don’t try hard enough to truly succeed.
So, self-confidence needs to be founded on reality: realistic expectations, your skills and experience, and the effort and preparation that you are willing to put in to reach your goal.
Building Self-Confidence
So how do you build this sense of balanced self-confidence, founded on a firm appreciation of reality?
The bad news is that there’s no quick fix or 5-minute solution.
The good news is that building self-confidence is readily achievable, just as long as you have the focus and determination to carry things through. And what’s even better is that the things you’ll do will build success – after all, your confidence will come from real, solid achievement. No-one can take this away from you!
So here are our three steps to self-confidence, for which we’ll use the metaphor of a journey: Preparing for your journey; setting out; and accelerating towards success.
Step 1: Preparing for Your Journey:
The first step involves getting yourself ready for your journey to self-confidence. You need to take stock of where you are, think about where you want to go, get yourself in the right mindset for your journey, and commit yourself to starting it and staying with it.
In preparing for your journey, do the following things:
Look at what you’ve already achieved:
Relive your life so far, and list the ten best things you’ve achieved in an “Achievement Log.” Perhaps you came top in an important test or exam, played a key role in an important team, produced the best sales figures in a period, did something that made a key difference in someone else’s life, or delivered a project that meant a lot for your business.
Put these into a smartly formatted document, which you can look at often. And then spend a few minutes each week enjoying the success you’ve already had!
Think about what's important to you, and who you really are:
Next, think about the things that are really important to you, and what you want to achieve with your life. (A good way of doing this is to use our Design Your Life workbook to think this through in detail.)
Then use a technique like SWOT Analysis to take a look at who and where you are. Looking at your Achievement Log, and reflecting on your recent life, think about what your friends would consider to be your strengths and weaknesses. From these, think about the opportunities and threats you face.
Make sure that you enjoy a few minutes reflecting on your strengths!
Think about where you want to go:
Setting and achieving goals is a key part of building self-confidence. Goal setting is the process you use to set yourself targets, and measure your successful hitting of those targets. See our article on goal setting to find out how to use this important technique.
Inform your goal setting with your SWOT Analysis. Set goals that exploit your strengths, minimize your weaknesses, realize your opportunities, and control the threats you face.
And having set the major goals in your life, identify the first step in each. A tip: Make sure it’s a very small step, perhaps taking no more than an hour to complete!
Start managing your mind:At this stage, you need to start managing your mind. Learn to pick up and defeat the negative self-talk which can destroy your confidence.
And learn how to use imagery to create strong mental images of what you’ll feel and experience as you achieve your major goals – there’s something about doing this that makes even major goals seem achievable!
And then commit yourself to success!
The final part of preparing for the journey is to make a clear and unequivocal promise to yourself that you are absolutely committed to your journey, and that you will do all in your power to achieve it.
If as you’re doing it, you find doubts starting to surface, write them down and challenge them calmly and rationally. If they dissolve under scrutiny, that’s great. However if they are based on genuine risks, make sure you set additional goals to manage them appropriately.
Either way, make that promise!
Step 2: Setting Out:
Here you start, ever so slowly, moving towards your goal. By doing the right things, and starting with small, easy wins, you’ll put yourself on the path to success – and the self-confidence that comes with it.
Build the knowledge you need to succeed:
Looking at your goals, identify the skills you’ll need to achieve them. And then look at how you can acquire these skills confidently and well. Don’t just accept a sketchy, just-good-enough solution – look for a solution, a program or a course that fully equips you to achieve what you want to achieve, and ideally gives you a certificate you can be proud of.
Focus on the basics:
When you’re starting, don’t try to do anything clever or elaborate. And don’t reach for perfection – just enjoy doing simple things successfully and well.
Set small goals, and achieve them:
Starting with the very small goals you identified in step 1, get in the habit of setting goals, achieving them, and celebrating that achievement. Don’t make goals particularly challenging at this stage, just get into the habit of achieving them and celebrating them. And little by little, start piling up the successes!
Keep managing your mind:Stay on top of that positive thinking, keep celebrating and enjoying success, and keep those mental images strong. You can also use a technique like Treasure Mapping to make the visualization even stronger!
And on the other side, learn to handle failure. Accept that mistakes happen when you’re trying something new. In fact, if you get into the habit of treating mistakes as learning experiences, you can (almost) start to see them in a positive light. After all, there’s a lot to be said for the saying “if it doesn’t kill me, it makes me stronger!”
Step 3: Accelerating Towards Success:
By this stage, you’ll feel your self-confidence building. You’ll have completed some of the courses you started in step 2, and you’ll have plenty of success to celebrate!
Now’s the time to start stretching yourself. Make the goals a bit bigger, and the challenges a bit tougher. Increase the size of your commitment. And extend the skills you’ve proven into new, but closely related arenas.
5 Steps to Accomplishing your Goals
Most of the time I think we can cruise through life without having any major goals. However, for things that are truly worth accomplishing, specifying the ins and outs of a goal is pretty important. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a few simple steps we can follow to describe how we can approach our goals and ensure we accomplish them?
Well, here’s my attempt at defining a nice simple 5 step framework anyone can follow. In this post, I’ll use losing weight, getting fit and going to the gym as one concrete example. However, you can apply it to any goal you have as the steps are equally as relevant.
1. Define your goal and give it shape
The very first thing you need to do is to define your goal. After all, without knowing what the goal actually is, how can you go about accomplishing it?
Goal setting is an art form. It is about articulating what your goal is about, being realistic in whether you can accomplish it or not and providing the metrics to track your progress. I’ve written about the characteristics of a good goal before, so read that post first if you haven’t yet done so.
To give your goal shape, I find it is helpful to actually write it down. Get a fresh piece of paper and describe each of the following characteristics for your goal.
In my example of losing weight and getting fit:
Conceivable: I intend to lose 24 kgs within 12 months and be capable of running 3 kms in 10 mins.
Achievable: I am able to commit to two 90 min sessions. With a proper training program and commitment, I am assured by various fitness instructors that this is achievable.
Measurable: I will track how many kgs I lose each month. In the simpliest scenario, I must lose 2 kgs per month to attain my goal.
Aligned: Losing weight and getting fit is congruent to my other goals in life which is about being happy about who I am and how I look.
Worthwhile: I acknowledge this is a challenging task, but it is something worth accomplishing. I would like to live a healthy life so I can watch my kids grow up and get married.
Desirable: This is something I truly wish to accomplish and will do everything I can to attain it. I desire this more than eating fried chickens and carrot cakes.
2. Identify the next few tasks
Once you have your goal properly defined and shaped, identify the next few tasks you need to do in relation to your goal. Unlike traditional project management where you define all the tasks, dependencies and contingencies, this step is about identifying the next few tasks only.
Why the next few only? There are a couple of reasons: Firstly, unless you are used to planning or have a crystal ball, there is no way you can accurately plan every single action you need to take to accomplish your goal. Secondly, you can only work on a few things at a time, so all you need is a few actions to start the ball rolling.
In my example, the next tasks to being fit and healthy are:
Assess the equipment, staff and pricing for all local gyms.
Buy two sets of appropriate gym wear.
Get some good headphones to plug into the gym’s music system.
Free up all after work commitments for Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Although there are possibly a myriad of other tasks I would have to act on to accomplish this goal, they are not essentially the next tasks. For example, getting a trainer and an exercise program are tasks I can only perform after signing up with a particular gym so I don’t bother writing these down now.
Try it for yourself. First write down the definition of your goal. On the same piece of paper, write down the next 3-5 things you need to do in relation to this goal.
3. Set aside time and work through your tasks
After you have defined your goal and identified the next tasks and actions, prepare some time to actually work on them. One effective technique I have found which works for me is Time boxing. Essentially, Time boxing is a technique in which we limit the amount of time we spend on a given task. So instead of working until the task is “done”, we spend say 30 mins on it. It is either “done” at that point or we schedule another 30 mins to work on it another time. Time boxing is effective because we instantly focus on what’s important, avoid potential overruns and can act as a motivator against procrastination.
Another thing I should mention here is the importance of actually dedicating a time slot for working at your tasks. By this I mean, actually blocking out a period in the day or week in which you are actively looking at your task list and crossing things off. The reason why this is important is because we can have busy lives and sometimes we use this as an excuse not to do something. By allocating time, we have no excuses and can also establish good habits and positive patterns.
In my example, blocking out 90 mins on Tuesday and Thursday nights after work applies both the Time boxing and the regular routine techniques to my weekly patterns.
4. Review and reward
One of the most important thing about accomplishing goals is measuring your progress and reviewing your goal and assumptions as you go. If you are measuring well against your goal, you can reward yourself.
The trick about reviewing your goals and tasks is to pick a system that you trust. Some people prefer the paper based planners, whilst others prefer the electronic alternatives like a PDA or Microsoft Outlook. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter. What’s important is to have a system you trust and will look at periodically. In the past, I used Outlook to track my outstanding tasks. However, this has proved ineffective for me because I split my day between work and home and never do I have a single Outlook installation which has both my “work” and “personal” tasks available at the same time. As a consequence, I didn’t look at the tasks periodically and eventually stopped adding them altogether.
Why is it important to reward yourself? Well, some goals are difficult to accomplish and may require both time and ongoing effort. Rewarding yourself is simple way keep motivated. In my example on fitness and going to the gym, I can reward myself by buying a new set of running shoes in order to encourage myself to reach that 3 kms in 10 mins benchmark.
5. Revisit, revise and reassess if required
The flip side of tracking well is not tracking well. You may have to revise your goal or reassess any assumptions you may have made in order to be pragmatic and realistic about how achievable your goals really are.
Why is it important to revise our plans? Sometimes we set goals which are simply unrealistic, perhaps through no fault of our own. For example, dedicating two days each week to go to the gym could be too demanding on our schedules. Perhaps we have to pick the kids up from day care after work or we have a deadline which requires us to stay a bit later. Whatever the reasons, sometimes things don’t pan out as we originally planned. That’s ok, all we need to do is revise our plans. That could mean scaling back our commitments or planning around them. If work is making us stay back late, perhaps we can consider going to the gym in the mornings or take shorter lunch breaks.
One common mistake I see people make is punishing themselves when they fail to meet a certain commitment. For example, if I have committed to two days per week of going to the gym, missing one session may provoke a vengeful reaction from my inner self. I can punish myself by promising to go three times next week. In my experience, this is usually a bad idea for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we may make good on our promise in the short term but seldom would it work in the longer term. So what happens if we miss another session or another or another? Are we going to keep promising to have three session weeks? Secondly, it associates a negative thing to our goal. Given enough occurrences of this negative thing, we may give up the goal entirely which is obviously something which we do not want to happen.
I prefer the approach of revising our plans or our initial assumptions. This keeps our mind focused on the positives of our goal and outcomes. The trick is to determine the fine line in the sand between revising our goals because the assumptions were incorrect and our general “slackness” in working at our next tasks and actions.
In conclusion
The 5 steps I have described above hopefully can provide you with a framework for accomplishing your goals. Remember, start with a well defined goal by ensuring you describe the 6 characteristics of a good goal. If you want more reading material, you can also take a look at Steve Pavlina’s latest post in which he talks about setting goals you will actually achieve. Once you have your goal defined, identify the next immediate tasks and actions. Then set aside some time and block it out so you can actually dedicate some brain power and resources to completing them. Frequently review your progress and either reward yourself or revise your plans.
.
Well, here’s my attempt at defining a nice simple 5 step framework anyone can follow. In this post, I’ll use losing weight, getting fit and going to the gym as one concrete example. However, you can apply it to any goal you have as the steps are equally as relevant.
1. Define your goal and give it shape
The very first thing you need to do is to define your goal. After all, without knowing what the goal actually is, how can you go about accomplishing it?
Goal setting is an art form. It is about articulating what your goal is about, being realistic in whether you can accomplish it or not and providing the metrics to track your progress. I’ve written about the characteristics of a good goal before, so read that post first if you haven’t yet done so.
To give your goal shape, I find it is helpful to actually write it down. Get a fresh piece of paper and describe each of the following characteristics for your goal.
In my example of losing weight and getting fit:
Conceivable: I intend to lose 24 kgs within 12 months and be capable of running 3 kms in 10 mins.
Achievable: I am able to commit to two 90 min sessions. With a proper training program and commitment, I am assured by various fitness instructors that this is achievable.
Measurable: I will track how many kgs I lose each month. In the simpliest scenario, I must lose 2 kgs per month to attain my goal.
Aligned: Losing weight and getting fit is congruent to my other goals in life which is about being happy about who I am and how I look.
Worthwhile: I acknowledge this is a challenging task, but it is something worth accomplishing. I would like to live a healthy life so I can watch my kids grow up and get married.
Desirable: This is something I truly wish to accomplish and will do everything I can to attain it. I desire this more than eating fried chickens and carrot cakes.
2. Identify the next few tasks
Once you have your goal properly defined and shaped, identify the next few tasks you need to do in relation to your goal. Unlike traditional project management where you define all the tasks, dependencies and contingencies, this step is about identifying the next few tasks only.
Why the next few only? There are a couple of reasons: Firstly, unless you are used to planning or have a crystal ball, there is no way you can accurately plan every single action you need to take to accomplish your goal. Secondly, you can only work on a few things at a time, so all you need is a few actions to start the ball rolling.
In my example, the next tasks to being fit and healthy are:
Assess the equipment, staff and pricing for all local gyms.
Buy two sets of appropriate gym wear.
Get some good headphones to plug into the gym’s music system.
Free up all after work commitments for Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Although there are possibly a myriad of other tasks I would have to act on to accomplish this goal, they are not essentially the next tasks. For example, getting a trainer and an exercise program are tasks I can only perform after signing up with a particular gym so I don’t bother writing these down now.
Try it for yourself. First write down the definition of your goal. On the same piece of paper, write down the next 3-5 things you need to do in relation to this goal.
3. Set aside time and work through your tasks
After you have defined your goal and identified the next tasks and actions, prepare some time to actually work on them. One effective technique I have found which works for me is Time boxing. Essentially, Time boxing is a technique in which we limit the amount of time we spend on a given task. So instead of working until the task is “done”, we spend say 30 mins on it. It is either “done” at that point or we schedule another 30 mins to work on it another time. Time boxing is effective because we instantly focus on what’s important, avoid potential overruns and can act as a motivator against procrastination.
Another thing I should mention here is the importance of actually dedicating a time slot for working at your tasks. By this I mean, actually blocking out a period in the day or week in which you are actively looking at your task list and crossing things off. The reason why this is important is because we can have busy lives and sometimes we use this as an excuse not to do something. By allocating time, we have no excuses and can also establish good habits and positive patterns.
In my example, blocking out 90 mins on Tuesday and Thursday nights after work applies both the Time boxing and the regular routine techniques to my weekly patterns.
4. Review and reward
One of the most important thing about accomplishing goals is measuring your progress and reviewing your goal and assumptions as you go. If you are measuring well against your goal, you can reward yourself.
The trick about reviewing your goals and tasks is to pick a system that you trust. Some people prefer the paper based planners, whilst others prefer the electronic alternatives like a PDA or Microsoft Outlook. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter. What’s important is to have a system you trust and will look at periodically. In the past, I used Outlook to track my outstanding tasks. However, this has proved ineffective for me because I split my day between work and home and never do I have a single Outlook installation which has both my “work” and “personal” tasks available at the same time. As a consequence, I didn’t look at the tasks periodically and eventually stopped adding them altogether.
Why is it important to reward yourself? Well, some goals are difficult to accomplish and may require both time and ongoing effort. Rewarding yourself is simple way keep motivated. In my example on fitness and going to the gym, I can reward myself by buying a new set of running shoes in order to encourage myself to reach that 3 kms in 10 mins benchmark.
5. Revisit, revise and reassess if required
The flip side of tracking well is not tracking well. You may have to revise your goal or reassess any assumptions you may have made in order to be pragmatic and realistic about how achievable your goals really are.
Why is it important to revise our plans? Sometimes we set goals which are simply unrealistic, perhaps through no fault of our own. For example, dedicating two days each week to go to the gym could be too demanding on our schedules. Perhaps we have to pick the kids up from day care after work or we have a deadline which requires us to stay a bit later. Whatever the reasons, sometimes things don’t pan out as we originally planned. That’s ok, all we need to do is revise our plans. That could mean scaling back our commitments or planning around them. If work is making us stay back late, perhaps we can consider going to the gym in the mornings or take shorter lunch breaks.
One common mistake I see people make is punishing themselves when they fail to meet a certain commitment. For example, if I have committed to two days per week of going to the gym, missing one session may provoke a vengeful reaction from my inner self. I can punish myself by promising to go three times next week. In my experience, this is usually a bad idea for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we may make good on our promise in the short term but seldom would it work in the longer term. So what happens if we miss another session or another or another? Are we going to keep promising to have three session weeks? Secondly, it associates a negative thing to our goal. Given enough occurrences of this negative thing, we may give up the goal entirely which is obviously something which we do not want to happen.
I prefer the approach of revising our plans or our initial assumptions. This keeps our mind focused on the positives of our goal and outcomes. The trick is to determine the fine line in the sand between revising our goals because the assumptions were incorrect and our general “slackness” in working at our next tasks and actions.
In conclusion
The 5 steps I have described above hopefully can provide you with a framework for accomplishing your goals. Remember, start with a well defined goal by ensuring you describe the 6 characteristics of a good goal. If you want more reading material, you can also take a look at Steve Pavlina’s latest post in which he talks about setting goals you will actually achieve. Once you have your goal defined, identify the next immediate tasks and actions. Then set aside some time and block it out so you can actually dedicate some brain power and resources to completing them. Frequently review your progress and either reward yourself or revise your plans.
.
Improve your life
by Dave Cheong
Personal development is hard work. If you have ever invested your time and energy towards improving yourself, you’d know that the road to being happier and more successful is not easy. Over the years, I have read many books and tried numerous techniques with varying results. The one constant thing I have observed when I have been successful in personal development is incremental change - the act of taking baby steps and building upon each victory one at a time.
I think deep down each of us has a desire to be better than we are. Maybe you wish you could be a more efficient worker, better husband, healthier etc. Some of you may even have read a few personal development books in the hope of learning secrets to be successful. For the others, this desire is just that - a wish that was never acted upon.
Perhaps you were too afraid to try. What if you failed? Perhaps you did try, but the techniques did not work or the results were disappointing. However, whatever your goal is and irrespective of whether you tried or not, the following universal truths apply:
1. Things worth attaining takes time
In this age with the Internet so easily accessible, we demand instant gratification. If we have a question, chances are we can Google it or search on Wikipedia for answers. If we need to purchase a book, Amazon is simply a click away.
However, I believe that all things worth attaining takes time.
Personal development is not something that can be rushed. After all, you are trying to change what’s core about you. Breaking bad habits and instigating good patterns is not an easy thing to do. Developing new fundamental character traits will take some time, lots of patience and hard work to succeed.
2. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear
The Chinese has a proverb. It goes “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. This is especially true for personal development. You may have read many books and even tried several techniques for a period of time, but if you were not ready for them, they won’t work for you.
For example, if you are not a disciplined person, then trying to wake up early and consistently isn’t going to be easy. The tips I’ve written about may help to an extent but if you cannot consistently adhere to the guidelines, chances are you won’t succeed.
I have personally rediscovered techniques, which did not work in the past, but do now. I believe they did not work before because I was not ready for them. Do not be discouraged. It is how the universe works. So as you become a more disciplined person or your perseverance improves, techniques which did not work before can suddenly produce spectacular results.
3. Build upon each success
Personal development is a journey. Each of us has a different journey. Our goals are different. Our backgrounds are different. The environment and circumstances surrounding our lives are different.
The thing about personal development is we build upon each success. Every victory lays the foundation for the next challenge. Along the same lines as the previous example, if your goal is to be an early riser, then discipline is a prerequisite. Set good goals that would develop this first, such as writing a journal to track the things you want to do, removing distractions or generally applying any of the other tips about how to stay focused.
4. Continual process of learning
You may have heard of Tony Robbins, David Allen and other personal development gurus. Sure they may seem to have their lives in order. One would also assume they apply productivity techniques and positive thinking on a constant basis.
However, they have spent years upon years of self reflection and perpetual learning to achieve their goals. Even so, they are continually learning, perfecting their techniques and improving their mental states all the time.
Do not expect to go from zero to hero in an instant. Take each challenge as a lesson, then build upon each lesson to constantly refine who you are, what you do and how you do it.
5. Don’t be discouraged with setbacks
When things go well, you feel happy. However, the flip side of this is when things don’t go well, you feel sad. The reality is you cannot win all the time. There will be occasions in which you just cannot accomplish a goal. Perhaps, you are too tired because of your work commitments. Perhaps, you are distracted by other things like planning a wedding. Perhaps, you are feeling down and cannot summon the motivation.
Whatever the reasons may be, do not be discouraged with setbacks. The most important thing to keep in mind is telling yourself you will try harder next time. So you’ve missed a morning by not rising early. Big deal, just try harder the next morning. Setbacks are ok, but continual setbacks are not. Do what you can to ensure you do not get trapped in a negative pattern or repeated setbacks.
6. Not all things work for everyone
I’ve always believed that each of us is inherently different. Some techniques may not work for you for various reasons. There are the reasons I’ve previously highlighted, such as not being ready for them or not having the prerequisites to ensure success.
Then there are other reasons, such as trying to apply techniques that just go against your nature or are not congruent with your goals. For example, if you are constrained by health issues, then perhaps stress is not something you wish to deal with. This may require you to live in a relatively stress free environment and being busy and constantly productive may not be the best thing for you health-wise.
The greatest thing about personal development is there isn’t a right way and a wrong way. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they’re lying to you. That’s a fact. Perhaps they want to sell more books? Perhaps they have found something that works for them? However, what works for them, may not necessarily work for you. Also, there are many ways to reach the same goals.
7. Celebrate your victories
Your mind is a complex but powerful tool. Motivation, which describes a genuine desire to accomplish something, can be fleeting and temporary. Use as many tools as you can to maintain it. When you lose your motivation, you lose your reason to try and overcome adversity. Remember that things worth attaining takes time, lots of patience and hard work.
Celebrate your victories whenever you can. I have found this to be one of the strongest techniques you can apply to maintain motivation. You are working hard for a reason. It is just human nature that we do difficult things only for a reason. So take moments even during the day to observe and enjoy the results of your hard work and use this as a platform to newer and more ambitious goals.
Personal development is hard work. If you have ever invested your time and energy towards improving yourself, you’d know that the road to being happier and more successful is not easy. Over the years, I have read many books and tried numerous techniques with varying results. The one constant thing I have observed when I have been successful in personal development is incremental change - the act of taking baby steps and building upon each victory one at a time.
I think deep down each of us has a desire to be better than we are. Maybe you wish you could be a more efficient worker, better husband, healthier etc. Some of you may even have read a few personal development books in the hope of learning secrets to be successful. For the others, this desire is just that - a wish that was never acted upon.
Perhaps you were too afraid to try. What if you failed? Perhaps you did try, but the techniques did not work or the results were disappointing. However, whatever your goal is and irrespective of whether you tried or not, the following universal truths apply:
1. Things worth attaining takes time
In this age with the Internet so easily accessible, we demand instant gratification. If we have a question, chances are we can Google it or search on Wikipedia for answers. If we need to purchase a book, Amazon is simply a click away.
However, I believe that all things worth attaining takes time.
Personal development is not something that can be rushed. After all, you are trying to change what’s core about you. Breaking bad habits and instigating good patterns is not an easy thing to do. Developing new fundamental character traits will take some time, lots of patience and hard work to succeed.
2. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear
The Chinese has a proverb. It goes “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. This is especially true for personal development. You may have read many books and even tried several techniques for a period of time, but if you were not ready for them, they won’t work for you.
For example, if you are not a disciplined person, then trying to wake up early and consistently isn’t going to be easy. The tips I’ve written about may help to an extent but if you cannot consistently adhere to the guidelines, chances are you won’t succeed.
I have personally rediscovered techniques, which did not work in the past, but do now. I believe they did not work before because I was not ready for them. Do not be discouraged. It is how the universe works. So as you become a more disciplined person or your perseverance improves, techniques which did not work before can suddenly produce spectacular results.
3. Build upon each success
Personal development is a journey. Each of us has a different journey. Our goals are different. Our backgrounds are different. The environment and circumstances surrounding our lives are different.
The thing about personal development is we build upon each success. Every victory lays the foundation for the next challenge. Along the same lines as the previous example, if your goal is to be an early riser, then discipline is a prerequisite. Set good goals that would develop this first, such as writing a journal to track the things you want to do, removing distractions or generally applying any of the other tips about how to stay focused.
4. Continual process of learning
You may have heard of Tony Robbins, David Allen and other personal development gurus. Sure they may seem to have their lives in order. One would also assume they apply productivity techniques and positive thinking on a constant basis.
However, they have spent years upon years of self reflection and perpetual learning to achieve their goals. Even so, they are continually learning, perfecting their techniques and improving their mental states all the time.
Do not expect to go from zero to hero in an instant. Take each challenge as a lesson, then build upon each lesson to constantly refine who you are, what you do and how you do it.
5. Don’t be discouraged with setbacks
When things go well, you feel happy. However, the flip side of this is when things don’t go well, you feel sad. The reality is you cannot win all the time. There will be occasions in which you just cannot accomplish a goal. Perhaps, you are too tired because of your work commitments. Perhaps, you are distracted by other things like planning a wedding. Perhaps, you are feeling down and cannot summon the motivation.
Whatever the reasons may be, do not be discouraged with setbacks. The most important thing to keep in mind is telling yourself you will try harder next time. So you’ve missed a morning by not rising early. Big deal, just try harder the next morning. Setbacks are ok, but continual setbacks are not. Do what you can to ensure you do not get trapped in a negative pattern or repeated setbacks.
6. Not all things work for everyone
I’ve always believed that each of us is inherently different. Some techniques may not work for you for various reasons. There are the reasons I’ve previously highlighted, such as not being ready for them or not having the prerequisites to ensure success.
Then there are other reasons, such as trying to apply techniques that just go against your nature or are not congruent with your goals. For example, if you are constrained by health issues, then perhaps stress is not something you wish to deal with. This may require you to live in a relatively stress free environment and being busy and constantly productive may not be the best thing for you health-wise.
The greatest thing about personal development is there isn’t a right way and a wrong way. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they’re lying to you. That’s a fact. Perhaps they want to sell more books? Perhaps they have found something that works for them? However, what works for them, may not necessarily work for you. Also, there are many ways to reach the same goals.
7. Celebrate your victories
Your mind is a complex but powerful tool. Motivation, which describes a genuine desire to accomplish something, can be fleeting and temporary. Use as many tools as you can to maintain it. When you lose your motivation, you lose your reason to try and overcome adversity. Remember that things worth attaining takes time, lots of patience and hard work.
Celebrate your victories whenever you can. I have found this to be one of the strongest techniques you can apply to maintain motivation. You are working hard for a reason. It is just human nature that we do difficult things only for a reason. So take moments even during the day to observe and enjoy the results of your hard work and use this as a platform to newer and more ambitious goals.
Make a Great First Impression!
Making a Great First Impression!
It takes just a quick glance, maybe three seconds, for someone to evaluate you when you meet for the first time. In this short time, the other person forms an opinion about you based on your appearance, your body language, your demeanor, your mannerisms, and how you are dressed.
With every new encounter, you are evaluated and yet another person’s impression of you is formed. These first impression can be nearly impossible to reverse or undo, making those first encounters extremely important, for they set the tone for the all the relationships that follows.
So, whether they are in your career or social life, it’s important to know how to create a good first impression. This article provides some useful tips to help you do this.
Be on Time
The person you are meeting for the first time is not interested in your “good excuse” for running late. Plan to arrive a few minutes early. And allow flexibility for possible delays in traffic or taking a wrong turn. Arriving early is much better that arriving late, hands down, and is the first step in creating a great first impression.
Be Yourself, Be at Ease
If you are feeling uncomfortable and on edge, this can make the other person ill at ease and that’s a sure way to create the wrong impression. If you are calm and confident, so the other person will feel more at ease, and so have a solid foundation for making that first impression a good one. See our section on relaxation techniques to find out how to calm that adrenaline!
Present Yourself Appropriately
Of course physical appearance matters. The person you are meeting for the first time does not know you and your appearance is usually the first clue he or she has to go on.But it certainly does not mean you need to look like a model to create a strong and positive first impression. (Unless you are interviewing with your local model agency, of course!)
No. The key to a good impression is to present yourself appropriately.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and so the “picture” you first present says much about you to the person you are meeting. Is your appearance saying the right things to help create the right first impression?
Start with the way you dress. What is the appropriate dress for the meeting or occasion? In a business setting, what is the appropriate business attire? Suit, blazer, casual? And ask yourself what the person you'll be meeting is likely to wear - if your contact is in advertising or the music industry, a pinstripe business suit may not strike the right note!
For business and social meetings, appropriate dress also varies between countries and cultures, so it’s something that you should pay particular attention to when in an unfamiliar setting or country. Make sure you know the traditions and norms.
And what about your personal grooming? Clean and tidy appearance is appropriate for most business and social occasions. A good haircut or shave. Clean and tidy clothes. Neat and tidy make up. Make sure your grooming is appropriate and helps make you feel “the part”.
Appropriate dressing and grooming help make a good first impression and also help you feel “the part”, and so feel more calm and confident. Add all of this up and you are well on your way to creating a good first impression.
A Word about Individuality
The good news is you can usually create a good impression without total conformity or losing your individuality. Yes, to make a good first impression you do need to “fit in” to some degree. But it all goes back to being appropriate for the situation. If in a business setting, wear appropriate business attire. If at a formal evening social event, wear appropriate evening attire. And express your individuality appropriately within that context.
A Winning Smile!
“Smile and the world smiles too.”* So there’s nothing like a smile to create a good first impression. A warm and confident smile will put both you and the other person at ease. So smiling is a winner when it comes to great first impressions. But don't go overboard with this - people who take this too far can seem insincere and smarmy, or can be seen to be "lightweights".(*Author Unknown)
Be Open and Confident
When it comes to making the first impression, body language as well as appearance speaks much louder than words. Use your body language to project appropriate confidence and self-assurance. Stand tall, smile (of course), make eye contact, greet with a firm handshake. All of this will help you project confidence and encourage both you and the other person feel better at ease.Almost everyone gets a little nervous when meeting someone for the first time, which can lead to nervous habits or sweaty palms. By being aware of your nervous habits, you can try to keep them in check. And controlling a nervous jitter or a nervous laugh will give you confidence and help the other person feel at ease. Again, see our section on relaxation techniques for help with this.
Small Talk Goes A Long Way…
Conversations are based on verbal give and take. It may help you to prepare questions you have for the person you are meeting for the first time beforehand. Or, take a few minutes to learn something about the person you meet for the first time before you get together. For instance, does he play golf? Does she work with a local charitable foundation? Is there anything that you know of that you have in common with the person you are meeting? If so, this can be a great way to open the conversation and to keep it flowing.
Be Positive
Your attitude shows through in everything you do. Project a positive attitude, even in the face of criticism or in the case of nervousness. Strive to learn from your meeting and to contribute appropriately, maintaining an upbeat manner and a smile.
Be Courteous And Attentive
It goes without saying that good manners and polite, attentive and courteous behavior help make a good first impression. In fact, anything less can ruin the one chance you have at making that first impression. So be on your best behavior! One modern manner worth mentioning is “turn off your mobile phone”. What first impression will you create if you are already speaking to someone other than the person you are meeting for the first time? Your new acquaintance deserves 100% of your attention. Anything less and you’ll create a less than good first impression.
Key Points
You have just a few seconds to make a good first impression and it’s almost impossible ever to change it. So it’s worth giving each new encounter your best shot. Much of what you need to do to make a good impression is common sense. But with a little extra thought and preparation, you can hone your intuitive style and make every first impression not just good but great.
It takes just a quick glance, maybe three seconds, for someone to evaluate you when you meet for the first time. In this short time, the other person forms an opinion about you based on your appearance, your body language, your demeanor, your mannerisms, and how you are dressed.
With every new encounter, you are evaluated and yet another person’s impression of you is formed. These first impression can be nearly impossible to reverse or undo, making those first encounters extremely important, for they set the tone for the all the relationships that follows.
So, whether they are in your career or social life, it’s important to know how to create a good first impression. This article provides some useful tips to help you do this.
Be on Time
The person you are meeting for the first time is not interested in your “good excuse” for running late. Plan to arrive a few minutes early. And allow flexibility for possible delays in traffic or taking a wrong turn. Arriving early is much better that arriving late, hands down, and is the first step in creating a great first impression.
Be Yourself, Be at Ease
If you are feeling uncomfortable and on edge, this can make the other person ill at ease and that’s a sure way to create the wrong impression. If you are calm and confident, so the other person will feel more at ease, and so have a solid foundation for making that first impression a good one. See our section on relaxation techniques to find out how to calm that adrenaline!
Present Yourself Appropriately
Of course physical appearance matters. The person you are meeting for the first time does not know you and your appearance is usually the first clue he or she has to go on.But it certainly does not mean you need to look like a model to create a strong and positive first impression. (Unless you are interviewing with your local model agency, of course!)
No. The key to a good impression is to present yourself appropriately.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and so the “picture” you first present says much about you to the person you are meeting. Is your appearance saying the right things to help create the right first impression?
Start with the way you dress. What is the appropriate dress for the meeting or occasion? In a business setting, what is the appropriate business attire? Suit, blazer, casual? And ask yourself what the person you'll be meeting is likely to wear - if your contact is in advertising or the music industry, a pinstripe business suit may not strike the right note!
For business and social meetings, appropriate dress also varies between countries and cultures, so it’s something that you should pay particular attention to when in an unfamiliar setting or country. Make sure you know the traditions and norms.
And what about your personal grooming? Clean and tidy appearance is appropriate for most business and social occasions. A good haircut or shave. Clean and tidy clothes. Neat and tidy make up. Make sure your grooming is appropriate and helps make you feel “the part”.
Appropriate dressing and grooming help make a good first impression and also help you feel “the part”, and so feel more calm and confident. Add all of this up and you are well on your way to creating a good first impression.
A Word about Individuality
The good news is you can usually create a good impression without total conformity or losing your individuality. Yes, to make a good first impression you do need to “fit in” to some degree. But it all goes back to being appropriate for the situation. If in a business setting, wear appropriate business attire. If at a formal evening social event, wear appropriate evening attire. And express your individuality appropriately within that context.
A Winning Smile!
“Smile and the world smiles too.”* So there’s nothing like a smile to create a good first impression. A warm and confident smile will put both you and the other person at ease. So smiling is a winner when it comes to great first impressions. But don't go overboard with this - people who take this too far can seem insincere and smarmy, or can be seen to be "lightweights".(*Author Unknown)
Be Open and Confident
When it comes to making the first impression, body language as well as appearance speaks much louder than words. Use your body language to project appropriate confidence and self-assurance. Stand tall, smile (of course), make eye contact, greet with a firm handshake. All of this will help you project confidence and encourage both you and the other person feel better at ease.Almost everyone gets a little nervous when meeting someone for the first time, which can lead to nervous habits or sweaty palms. By being aware of your nervous habits, you can try to keep them in check. And controlling a nervous jitter or a nervous laugh will give you confidence and help the other person feel at ease. Again, see our section on relaxation techniques for help with this.
Small Talk Goes A Long Way…
Conversations are based on verbal give and take. It may help you to prepare questions you have for the person you are meeting for the first time beforehand. Or, take a few minutes to learn something about the person you meet for the first time before you get together. For instance, does he play golf? Does she work with a local charitable foundation? Is there anything that you know of that you have in common with the person you are meeting? If so, this can be a great way to open the conversation and to keep it flowing.
Be Positive
Your attitude shows through in everything you do. Project a positive attitude, even in the face of criticism or in the case of nervousness. Strive to learn from your meeting and to contribute appropriately, maintaining an upbeat manner and a smile.
Be Courteous And Attentive
It goes without saying that good manners and polite, attentive and courteous behavior help make a good first impression. In fact, anything less can ruin the one chance you have at making that first impression. So be on your best behavior! One modern manner worth mentioning is “turn off your mobile phone”. What first impression will you create if you are already speaking to someone other than the person you are meeting for the first time? Your new acquaintance deserves 100% of your attention. Anything less and you’ll create a less than good first impression.
Key Points
You have just a few seconds to make a good first impression and it’s almost impossible ever to change it. So it’s worth giving each new encounter your best shot. Much of what you need to do to make a good impression is common sense. But with a little extra thought and preparation, you can hone your intuitive style and make every first impression not just good but great.
How to face an Interview!
Tips on How to face an Interview!
Author: Kamal, Bangalore Freshers. A JOB interview can be a nerve-wracking experience if you are not prepared and lack self-confidence. We present a few tips that will help you to brush up on your interview skills and come out as a winner from your next interview!
1. Plan to arrive 10 minutes early. This will give you ample time to catch your breath, gather your thoughts and make a quick trip to the washroom to give your appearance one final check. To avoid unnecessary stress, choose your interview attire the night before.
2. Greet the interviewer by his or her last name. If you are unsure of the pronunciation, do ask the employer to repeat it. Or better still, check it with the front desk personnel or receptionist before walking into the interview room.
3. Let the interviewer lead the conversation but try to get him/her to describe the position and duties to you early in the interview. This will allow you to apply your background, skills and achievements to the position.
4. When asked: "Tell me about yourself?", focus your answers on your background and a few professional and personal accomplishments.
5. Stress on your achievements. For example: your sales records, the processes you have developed or systems installed, projects that you initiated, etc.
6. Show enthusiasm. This can be demonstrated through verbal and non-verbal cues (for example, appropriate body language like nodding can be used to support your interest). Enthusiastic feedback can enhance your chances of being further considered.
7. Answer questions by speaking in terms of the position. Emphasise what you can do for the company. Mention specific accomplishments that show your abilities and determination to succeed in this job. Your answers describe the position and duties to you early in the interview. This will allow you to apply your background, skills and achievements to the position. should tell the employer why you would be an asset to the company and not why you need a job.
8. Bring an extra copy of your resume.
9. Explain whenever possible; don't answer with a simple "yes" or "no." Be prepared to answer questions such as: * Tell me about yourself. * Tell me about your background and accomplishments. * What are your strengths? Weaknesses? * How would you describe your most recent job performance? * What interests you about our company? Also, be prepared to ask questions such as: * What would I be expected to accomplish in this position? * What are the greatest challenges in this position? * How do you think I fit the position? Remember, your lack of questions may be mistaken as lack of interest in the job. Summary If you are interested in the position, stress this to the interviewer. If you get the impression that the interview is not going well and that you have already been rejected, do not let your discouragement show. Once in a while an interviewer who is genuinely interested in you may seem to discourage you as a way of testing your reaction. Remember to thank the interviewer for his/her time and end the session with a confident and firm handshake.
Author: Kamal, Bangalore Freshers. A JOB interview can be a nerve-wracking experience if you are not prepared and lack self-confidence. We present a few tips that will help you to brush up on your interview skills and come out as a winner from your next interview!
1. Plan to arrive 10 minutes early. This will give you ample time to catch your breath, gather your thoughts and make a quick trip to the washroom to give your appearance one final check. To avoid unnecessary stress, choose your interview attire the night before.
2. Greet the interviewer by his or her last name. If you are unsure of the pronunciation, do ask the employer to repeat it. Or better still, check it with the front desk personnel or receptionist before walking into the interview room.
3. Let the interviewer lead the conversation but try to get him/her to describe the position and duties to you early in the interview. This will allow you to apply your background, skills and achievements to the position.
4. When asked: "Tell me about yourself?", focus your answers on your background and a few professional and personal accomplishments.
5. Stress on your achievements. For example: your sales records, the processes you have developed or systems installed, projects that you initiated, etc.
6. Show enthusiasm. This can be demonstrated through verbal and non-verbal cues (for example, appropriate body language like nodding can be used to support your interest). Enthusiastic feedback can enhance your chances of being further considered.
7. Answer questions by speaking in terms of the position. Emphasise what you can do for the company. Mention specific accomplishments that show your abilities and determination to succeed in this job. Your answers describe the position and duties to you early in the interview. This will allow you to apply your background, skills and achievements to the position. should tell the employer why you would be an asset to the company and not why you need a job.
8. Bring an extra copy of your resume.
9. Explain whenever possible; don't answer with a simple "yes" or "no." Be prepared to answer questions such as: * Tell me about yourself. * Tell me about your background and accomplishments. * What are your strengths? Weaknesses? * How would you describe your most recent job performance? * What interests you about our company? Also, be prepared to ask questions such as: * What would I be expected to accomplish in this position? * What are the greatest challenges in this position? * How do you think I fit the position? Remember, your lack of questions may be mistaken as lack of interest in the job. Summary If you are interested in the position, stress this to the interviewer. If you get the impression that the interview is not going well and that you have already been rejected, do not let your discouragement show. Once in a while an interviewer who is genuinely interested in you may seem to discourage you as a way of testing your reaction. Remember to thank the interviewer for his/her time and end the session with a confident and firm handshake.
How to Overcome Distractions Anytime
by Dave Cheong
Each of us at one stage or another have succumbed to a distraction or two.Let’s face it. We all do it. Personally, when I’m at home, I find I would make excuses not to sit at my desk. I’ll be flicking through some catalogue, turning on the tv or playing on the Xbox. When I’m in the office, I’ll gravitate towards social bookmarking sites like Digg, Delicious and Reddit. Unfortunately, some of us tend to be weaker than others and indulge in our desires more often than we really should!
Distractions as a whole are a huge drain on every aspect of who we are. It takes our focus away from what we should be doing - our tasks, goals and purpose. This is why we have to eliminate them from our lives if possible! Personally, I find if I was to indulge in a distraction, a hour could go by and before I know it, I’d blow away an entire time box. Generally, this makes me feel drained and disappointed, not just in myself for having been weak but also about the lost opportunities and productive time I could have spent working on an article or researching a business venture.
So what can we do about it? If you haven’t done so yet, take a look at two articles I wrote about how to stay focused - 18 ways to stay focused at work and the more generic 11 ways to staying focused. These tips are great, but inevitably distractions will happen. When they do, how can we reduce our urge and tendency to indulge in them?
Here’s something very simple I do in my head whenever I feel the urge to indulge in a distraction. I don’t know who came up with it originally or even if it is unique to me, so for now, I call this technique Diminishing Distractions. This is how it works.
Essentially, a distraction is attractive because of two reasons:
It gives us pleasure.
It takes pain away.
When we indulge in a distraction, we focus our time and energy on something that is inherently more pleasurable than what we are currently doing. Solving that problem is hard, so I’ll just surf on Digg instead. Finishing this document is going to take some time, so let me squeeze in 30mins on the Xbox. Making that call to the customer will be challenging, so let me read the news first. Now, tell me if you’ve never felt this way before. The reason these things are attractive is because they either give us pleasure or take some pain away.
So in order for us to minimise the time we indulge in our distractions, what we need to do is either decrease the pleasure we get or the pain they take away. The trick to doing this is by quantifying our experiences. That is, measure how much enjoyment we hope to get by indulging in our distraction and then diminish that enjoyment in our minds to a level low enough that it is no longer appealing.
To do this:
1. Rate the experience on a scale of -10 to +10. What the scale means: -10 being something I really hate doing and there’s nothing in the world to make me like it and +10 being something that gives me ultimate pleasure and utter enjoyment. For example, at any given moment, playing on the Xbox may rate +6 on my scale (I have fun and it gives me pleasure but it’s not the best thing since slice bread).
2. Think of things to lower the rating by one or two points. Once you have the rating, try to think of things to make the experience less enjoyable. This doesn’t mean a massive jump from +6 to a -10. It means lowering the enjoyment in a small way. For example, I might associate the discomfort of sitting on the floor with playing on the Xbox. After 30mins in this posture, it’s going to hurt. This will lower the experience for me to a +4 on my scale (It’s still fun, but less so now than before).
3. Repeat until the experience is neutral (ie a rating of 0). Keep thinking of things to diminish the experience (either the pleasure or pain) until you don’t really care either way whether you do it or not. Once you are indifferent, you stand a better chance of resisting the distraction. Here are some of the things I think will make the Xbox experience less enjoyable - lengthy wait times when saving, small tv with bad colours, tired shoulders and a sore neck.
4. Consider what you should be doing instead. At this point, look at what you’re currently doing or plan to do. Ask yourself would you rather be doing this or indulge in your distraction? For me, I ask myself “Would I rather finish this document I am in the middle of or play on the Xbox?”. I find most of the time, because the distraction’s experience is neutral, I’d rather continue what I’m doing. If this isn’t the case, move on to the next step.
5. Make the experience unappealing and undesirable. If you still rather indulge in the distraction, then repeat Step 2 and make the experience unappealing and undesirable. The trick to this is you don’t have to come up with completely realistic things. All you need to do is convince your mind about what you want it to feel regarding the distraction. For example, what would make the Xbox unappealing for me are - melting ice cream on the controller (I hate getting my hands dirty), not wearing my glasses (what’s the point of playing when I can’t see what’s going on), ear plugs (I can’t hear a thing) etc. Keep doing this until you take the experience to a -10.
Once you hit -10, this being a level which you associate with things you absolutely hate doing and nothing can make you do it, it becomes really easy to resist the distraction. You don’t even have to put up a fight. As far as your mind is concerned, you don’t want to do it.
I call this technique Diminishing Distractions - that is we are diminishing the experience we hope to get by indulging in the distraction. Simple isn’t it? It is. But that’s the beauty of it. When faced with a particular undesirable urge, what we need is a simple technique we can use and rely on to suppress that urge. What we don’t want is a technique that has 50 checklist items for us to go through, because in most cases we either won’t bother or it’ll take too long to work! With some practise, you will find you can associate a 0 or a -10 to any distraction and make them less desirable than what we should be doing.
Here’s the other beautiful part of this technique. Not only can you apply it to the distraction, you can also apply it to the task you should be working on. All you have to do is apply the technique in the steps I’ve outlined above but in a positive way and try to make the experience a +10 instead. By doing this, you will increase the gap between the experience you will get from this task and the distraction. For example, let’s say I really wanted to focus on writing. To make writing a +10 experience, I could visualise myself writing a top notch Diggable article (hint, hint), having lots of positive comments from my readers and earning lots of money from Adsense! If this doesn’t make this a +10 experience, I don’t know what will!
I’ve written in the past that we can be happy if we choose to. I just want to take a moment to reiterate a particular point in that article because I think the repetition will help the message sink in. If you rely on external events to determine your happiness, than you relinquish control about when you will be happy. By using the technique I’ve outlined above, you take control of the way you feel about a particular experience. If you apply it to other aspects of your life, you will be able to control whether you have a -10 experience or a +10 experience irrespective of what happens. Sometimes we cannot prevent bad things from happening, but what we can control is how we react and respond to them.
That’s food for thought.
If you choose to employ this technique in your daily lives, drop me a comment or message. I would like to hear whatever feedback you may have on this. Good luck with your battle against distractions!
Each of us at one stage or another have succumbed to a distraction or two.Let’s face it. We all do it. Personally, when I’m at home, I find I would make excuses not to sit at my desk. I’ll be flicking through some catalogue, turning on the tv or playing on the Xbox. When I’m in the office, I’ll gravitate towards social bookmarking sites like Digg, Delicious and Reddit. Unfortunately, some of us tend to be weaker than others and indulge in our desires more often than we really should!
Distractions as a whole are a huge drain on every aspect of who we are. It takes our focus away from what we should be doing - our tasks, goals and purpose. This is why we have to eliminate them from our lives if possible! Personally, I find if I was to indulge in a distraction, a hour could go by and before I know it, I’d blow away an entire time box. Generally, this makes me feel drained and disappointed, not just in myself for having been weak but also about the lost opportunities and productive time I could have spent working on an article or researching a business venture.
So what can we do about it? If you haven’t done so yet, take a look at two articles I wrote about how to stay focused - 18 ways to stay focused at work and the more generic 11 ways to staying focused. These tips are great, but inevitably distractions will happen. When they do, how can we reduce our urge and tendency to indulge in them?
Here’s something very simple I do in my head whenever I feel the urge to indulge in a distraction. I don’t know who came up with it originally or even if it is unique to me, so for now, I call this technique Diminishing Distractions. This is how it works.
Essentially, a distraction is attractive because of two reasons:
It gives us pleasure.
It takes pain away.
When we indulge in a distraction, we focus our time and energy on something that is inherently more pleasurable than what we are currently doing. Solving that problem is hard, so I’ll just surf on Digg instead. Finishing this document is going to take some time, so let me squeeze in 30mins on the Xbox. Making that call to the customer will be challenging, so let me read the news first. Now, tell me if you’ve never felt this way before. The reason these things are attractive is because they either give us pleasure or take some pain away.
So in order for us to minimise the time we indulge in our distractions, what we need to do is either decrease the pleasure we get or the pain they take away. The trick to doing this is by quantifying our experiences. That is, measure how much enjoyment we hope to get by indulging in our distraction and then diminish that enjoyment in our minds to a level low enough that it is no longer appealing.
To do this:
1. Rate the experience on a scale of -10 to +10. What the scale means: -10 being something I really hate doing and there’s nothing in the world to make me like it and +10 being something that gives me ultimate pleasure and utter enjoyment. For example, at any given moment, playing on the Xbox may rate +6 on my scale (I have fun and it gives me pleasure but it’s not the best thing since slice bread).
2. Think of things to lower the rating by one or two points. Once you have the rating, try to think of things to make the experience less enjoyable. This doesn’t mean a massive jump from +6 to a -10. It means lowering the enjoyment in a small way. For example, I might associate the discomfort of sitting on the floor with playing on the Xbox. After 30mins in this posture, it’s going to hurt. This will lower the experience for me to a +4 on my scale (It’s still fun, but less so now than before).
3. Repeat until the experience is neutral (ie a rating of 0). Keep thinking of things to diminish the experience (either the pleasure or pain) until you don’t really care either way whether you do it or not. Once you are indifferent, you stand a better chance of resisting the distraction. Here are some of the things I think will make the Xbox experience less enjoyable - lengthy wait times when saving, small tv with bad colours, tired shoulders and a sore neck.
4. Consider what you should be doing instead. At this point, look at what you’re currently doing or plan to do. Ask yourself would you rather be doing this or indulge in your distraction? For me, I ask myself “Would I rather finish this document I am in the middle of or play on the Xbox?”. I find most of the time, because the distraction’s experience is neutral, I’d rather continue what I’m doing. If this isn’t the case, move on to the next step.
5. Make the experience unappealing and undesirable. If you still rather indulge in the distraction, then repeat Step 2 and make the experience unappealing and undesirable. The trick to this is you don’t have to come up with completely realistic things. All you need to do is convince your mind about what you want it to feel regarding the distraction. For example, what would make the Xbox unappealing for me are - melting ice cream on the controller (I hate getting my hands dirty), not wearing my glasses (what’s the point of playing when I can’t see what’s going on), ear plugs (I can’t hear a thing) etc. Keep doing this until you take the experience to a -10.
Once you hit -10, this being a level which you associate with things you absolutely hate doing and nothing can make you do it, it becomes really easy to resist the distraction. You don’t even have to put up a fight. As far as your mind is concerned, you don’t want to do it.
I call this technique Diminishing Distractions - that is we are diminishing the experience we hope to get by indulging in the distraction. Simple isn’t it? It is. But that’s the beauty of it. When faced with a particular undesirable urge, what we need is a simple technique we can use and rely on to suppress that urge. What we don’t want is a technique that has 50 checklist items for us to go through, because in most cases we either won’t bother or it’ll take too long to work! With some practise, you will find you can associate a 0 or a -10 to any distraction and make them less desirable than what we should be doing.
Here’s the other beautiful part of this technique. Not only can you apply it to the distraction, you can also apply it to the task you should be working on. All you have to do is apply the technique in the steps I’ve outlined above but in a positive way and try to make the experience a +10 instead. By doing this, you will increase the gap between the experience you will get from this task and the distraction. For example, let’s say I really wanted to focus on writing. To make writing a +10 experience, I could visualise myself writing a top notch Diggable article (hint, hint), having lots of positive comments from my readers and earning lots of money from Adsense! If this doesn’t make this a +10 experience, I don’t know what will!
I’ve written in the past that we can be happy if we choose to. I just want to take a moment to reiterate a particular point in that article because I think the repetition will help the message sink in. If you rely on external events to determine your happiness, than you relinquish control about when you will be happy. By using the technique I’ve outlined above, you take control of the way you feel about a particular experience. If you apply it to other aspects of your life, you will be able to control whether you have a -10 experience or a +10 experience irrespective of what happens. Sometimes we cannot prevent bad things from happening, but what we can control is how we react and respond to them.
That’s food for thought.
If you choose to employ this technique in your daily lives, drop me a comment or message. I would like to hear whatever feedback you may have on this. Good luck with your battle against distractions!
How To Communicate
Improve Your Relationships With Effective Communication Skills
From Elizabeth Scott, M.S,
Conflict in a relationship is virtually inevitable. In itself, conflict isn’t a problem; how it’s handled, however, can bring people together or tear them apart. Poor communication skills, disagreements and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and distance, or a springboard to a stronger relationship and happier future. Next time you’re dealing with conflict, keep these tips on effective communication skills in mind and you can create a more positive outcome.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Just a little extra time.
Here's How:
1. Stay Focused: Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion more taxing and even confusing. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution.
2. Listen Carefully: People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your partner is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard. Then you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen to you.
3. Try To See Their Point of View: In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. Ironically, if we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain yours. (If you don't 'get it', ask more questions until you do.) Others will more likely be willing to listen if they feel heard.
4. Respond to Criticism with Empathy: When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.
5. Own What’s Yours: Realize that personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.
6. Use “I” Messages: Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.
7. Look for Compromise Instead of trying to ‘win’ the argument, look for solutions that meet everybody’s needs. Either through compromise, or a new solution that gives you both what you want most, this focus is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be happy with.
8. Take a Time-Out: Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or your partner starting to get too angry to be constructive, or showing some destructive communication patterns, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off. Sometimes good communication means knowing when to take a break.
9. Don’t Give Up: While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect, and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict. Unless it’s time to give up on the relationship, don’t give up on communication.
10. Ask For Help If You Need It: If one or both of you has trouble staying respectful during conflict, or if you’ve tried resolving conflict with your partner on your own and the situation just doesn’t seem to be improving, you might benefit from a few sessions with a therapist. Couples counseling or family therapy can provide help with altercations and teach skills to resolve future conflict. If your partner doesn’t want to go, you can still often benefit from going alone.
11. Tips:
1. Remember that the goal of effective communication skills should be mutual understanding and finding a solution that pleases both parties, not ‘winning’ the argument or ‘being right’.
2. This doesn’t work in every situation, but sometimes (if you’re having a conflict in a romantic relationship) it helps to hold hands or stay physically connected as you talk. This can remind you that you still care about each other and generally support one another.
3. Keep in mind that it’s important to remain respectful of the other person, even if you don’t like their actions.
4. Here's a list of common unhealthy ways to handle conflict. Do you do some of these? If so, your poor communication skills could be causing additional stress in your life.
From Elizabeth Scott, M.S,
Conflict in a relationship is virtually inevitable. In itself, conflict isn’t a problem; how it’s handled, however, can bring people together or tear them apart. Poor communication skills, disagreements and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and distance, or a springboard to a stronger relationship and happier future. Next time you’re dealing with conflict, keep these tips on effective communication skills in mind and you can create a more positive outcome.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Just a little extra time.
Here's How:
1. Stay Focused: Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion more taxing and even confusing. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution.
2. Listen Carefully: People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your partner is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard. Then you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen to you.
3. Try To See Their Point of View: In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. Ironically, if we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain yours. (If you don't 'get it', ask more questions until you do.) Others will more likely be willing to listen if they feel heard.
4. Respond to Criticism with Empathy: When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.
5. Own What’s Yours: Realize that personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.
6. Use “I” Messages: Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.
7. Look for Compromise Instead of trying to ‘win’ the argument, look for solutions that meet everybody’s needs. Either through compromise, or a new solution that gives you both what you want most, this focus is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be happy with.
8. Take a Time-Out: Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or your partner starting to get too angry to be constructive, or showing some destructive communication patterns, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off. Sometimes good communication means knowing when to take a break.
9. Don’t Give Up: While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect, and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict. Unless it’s time to give up on the relationship, don’t give up on communication.
10. Ask For Help If You Need It: If one or both of you has trouble staying respectful during conflict, or if you’ve tried resolving conflict with your partner on your own and the situation just doesn’t seem to be improving, you might benefit from a few sessions with a therapist. Couples counseling or family therapy can provide help with altercations and teach skills to resolve future conflict. If your partner doesn’t want to go, you can still often benefit from going alone.
11. Tips:
1. Remember that the goal of effective communication skills should be mutual understanding and finding a solution that pleases both parties, not ‘winning’ the argument or ‘being right’.
2. This doesn’t work in every situation, but sometimes (if you’re having a conflict in a romantic relationship) it helps to hold hands or stay physically connected as you talk. This can remind you that you still care about each other and generally support one another.
3. Keep in mind that it’s important to remain respectful of the other person, even if you don’t like their actions.
4. Here's a list of common unhealthy ways to handle conflict. Do you do some of these? If so, your poor communication skills could be causing additional stress in your life.
Better Public Speaking & Presentation
Ensure Your Words Are Always Understood
Think of the last really memorable talk or presentation that you attended. Now, was that easy to do, or did you really have to rack your brains to remember one?Sadly, too many presentations are easy to forget. And that's a big problem because the only reason the presenter gave the talk was to communicate something to you!
However, there are three basic things that you can do to ensure that your verbal messages are understood - and remembered - time and time again.
Although somewhat obvious and deceptively simple, these are:
Understand the purpose of the presentation
Keep the message clear and concise
Be prepared
Be vivid when delivering the message
Understand what you want to achieve:
Before you start working on your talk or presentation, it's vital that you really understand what you want to say, who you want to tell and why they might want to hear it. To do this, ask yourself: Who? What? How? When? Where? Why?
Who are you speaking to? What are their interests, presuppositions and values? What do they share in common with others; how are they unique?
What do you wish to communicate? One way of answering this question is to ask yourself about the ‘success criteria’. How do you know if and when you have successfully communicated what you have in mind?
How can you best convey your message? Language is important here, as are the nonverbal cues discussed earlier. Choose your words and your nonverbal cues with your audience in mind. Plan a beginning, middle and end. If time and place allow, consider and prepare audio-visual aids.
When? Timing is important here. Develop a sense of timing, so that your contributions are seen and heard as relevant to the issue or matter at hand. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. ‘It’s better to be silent than sing a bad tune.’
Where? What is the physical context of the communication in mind? You may have time to visit the room, for example, and rearrange the furniture. Check for availability and visibility if you are using audio or visual aids.
Why? In order to convert hearers into listeners, you need to know why they should listen to you – and tell them if necessary. What disposes them to listen? That implies that you know yourself why you are seeking to communicate – the value or worth or interest of what you are going to say.
Keep it Simple:
When it comes to wording your message, less is more. You're giving your audience headlines. They don't need to and are usually not expecting to become experts on the subject as a result of hearing your talk.
If you're using slides, limit the content of each one to a few bullet points, or one statement or a very simple diagram.
Be Prepared:
Preparation is underrated. In fact, it is one of the most important factors in determining your communication successes. When possible, set meeting times and speaking and presentation times well in advance, thus allowing yourself the time you need to prepare your communications, mindful of the entire communication process (source, encoding, channel, decoding, receiver, feedback and context). By paying close attention to each of these stages and preparing accordingly, you ensure your communications will be more effective and better understood.
Of course, not all communications can be scheduled. In this case, preparation may mean having a good, thorough understanding of the office goings-on, enabling you to communicate with the knowledge you need to be effective, both through verbal and written communications.
Unforgettable Delivery:
Your delivery of your speech or presentation will make or break it, no matter how well you've prepared and crafted your clear, concise message. Some useful tips for keeping your presentation vivid include:
Use examples to bring your points to life
Keep your body language up-beat - don't stay stuck behind a rostrum
Don't talk to fast. Less is more here too. Pauses are effective.
Use a variety of tones of voice
Use visual aids.
Think of the last really memorable talk or presentation that you attended. Now, was that easy to do, or did you really have to rack your brains to remember one?Sadly, too many presentations are easy to forget. And that's a big problem because the only reason the presenter gave the talk was to communicate something to you!
However, there are three basic things that you can do to ensure that your verbal messages are understood - and remembered - time and time again.
Although somewhat obvious and deceptively simple, these are:
Understand the purpose of the presentation
Keep the message clear and concise
Be prepared
Be vivid when delivering the message
Understand what you want to achieve:
Before you start working on your talk or presentation, it's vital that you really understand what you want to say, who you want to tell and why they might want to hear it. To do this, ask yourself: Who? What? How? When? Where? Why?
Who are you speaking to? What are their interests, presuppositions and values? What do they share in common with others; how are they unique?
What do you wish to communicate? One way of answering this question is to ask yourself about the ‘success criteria’. How do you know if and when you have successfully communicated what you have in mind?
How can you best convey your message? Language is important here, as are the nonverbal cues discussed earlier. Choose your words and your nonverbal cues with your audience in mind. Plan a beginning, middle and end. If time and place allow, consider and prepare audio-visual aids.
When? Timing is important here. Develop a sense of timing, so that your contributions are seen and heard as relevant to the issue or matter at hand. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. ‘It’s better to be silent than sing a bad tune.’
Where? What is the physical context of the communication in mind? You may have time to visit the room, for example, and rearrange the furniture. Check for availability and visibility if you are using audio or visual aids.
Why? In order to convert hearers into listeners, you need to know why they should listen to you – and tell them if necessary. What disposes them to listen? That implies that you know yourself why you are seeking to communicate – the value or worth or interest of what you are going to say.
Keep it Simple:
When it comes to wording your message, less is more. You're giving your audience headlines. They don't need to and are usually not expecting to become experts on the subject as a result of hearing your talk.
If you're using slides, limit the content of each one to a few bullet points, or one statement or a very simple diagram.
Be Prepared:
Preparation is underrated. In fact, it is one of the most important factors in determining your communication successes. When possible, set meeting times and speaking and presentation times well in advance, thus allowing yourself the time you need to prepare your communications, mindful of the entire communication process (source, encoding, channel, decoding, receiver, feedback and context). By paying close attention to each of these stages and preparing accordingly, you ensure your communications will be more effective and better understood.
Of course, not all communications can be scheduled. In this case, preparation may mean having a good, thorough understanding of the office goings-on, enabling you to communicate with the knowledge you need to be effective, both through verbal and written communications.
Unforgettable Delivery:
Your delivery of your speech or presentation will make or break it, no matter how well you've prepared and crafted your clear, concise message. Some useful tips for keeping your presentation vivid include:
Use examples to bring your points to life
Keep your body language up-beat - don't stay stuck behind a rostrum
Don't talk to fast. Less is more here too. Pauses are effective.
Use a variety of tones of voice
Use visual aids.
Anger Management
Channeling anger into performance
Anger can be normal and healthy emotion that helps us instinctively detect and respond to a threatening situation. More than this, when it is properly channeled, it can be a powerful motivating force – we all know how hard we can work to remedy an obvious injustice.
However it can also be an emotion that gets out of control, leading to stress, distress, unhealthiness and unhappiness. Uncontrolled anger can seriously harm your personal and professional life, because it can become incredibly destructive – to yourself and the people around you.
And in a modern workplace that often demands trust and collaboration, it can cause great damage to working relationships
This article teaches an effective 12-step approach that helps you direct your anger constructively rather than destructively. The 12-step approach is based on the ideas of Duke University’s Redford Williams, MD, who with his wife, authored the best-selling book Anger Kills. (In this book, Williams discusses 17 steps for controlling anger – these are often abridged to the 12 steps described here.
Understanding the Theory
Anger is a well-developed coping mechanism that we turn to when our goals are frustrated, or when we feel threat to ourselves or to people, things and ideas we care about. It helps us react quickly and decisively in situations where there is no time for a careful, reasoned analysis of the situation. And it can motivate us to solve problems, achieve our goals, and remove threats.
Acting in anger can serve, therefore, to protect yourself or others. A positive response and constructive outcome can improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.
The Danger of Anger - Foolishness...
On the other hand, a negative response can damage relationships and lead to a loss of respect and self-respect. This is particularly the case when we react instantly and angrily to what we perceive to be a threat, but where that perception is wrong. This can leave us looking very foolish.
So we need to learn to use anger positively, and manage it so that it is constructive and not destructive. Where situations are not immediately life-threatening, we need to calm down and evaluate the accuracy of our perceptions before, if necessary, channeling anger in a powerful but controlled way.
Anger management, then, is the process of learning how to “calm down” and diffuse the negative emotion of anger before it gets to a destructive level.
A Subjective Experience
People experience anger in many different ways and for many different reasons. What makes you angry may only mildly irritate one of your colleagues, and have little to no effect on another. This subjectivity can make anger difficult to understand and deal with; it also highlights that the response is down to you. So anger management focuses on managing your response (rather than specific external factors). By learning to manage your anger, you can develop techniques to deal with and expel the negative response and emotions before it causes you serious stress, anxiety and discomfort.
Despite our differences in the level of anger we feel toward something, there are some universal causes of anger that include:
Frustration of our goals
Hurt
Harassment
Personal attack (mental or physical) on ourselves
Threat to people, things or ideas that we hold dear.
We commonly experience these potential anger triggers in our daily lives. An appropriate level of anger that is expressed correctly helps us take the right action, solve the problem that is presenting itself, or deal with the situation in a positive manner. If we can learn to manage our anger, we will learn to express it appropriately and act constructively.
Using the Tool:
So when you’re angry, use Redford Williams’ 12 steps to calm down:
Step 1: Maintain a “Hostility Log”
Download our free Hostility Log worksheet and use it to monitor what triggers your anger and the frequency of your anger responses. When you know what makes you angry, you will be in a much better position to develop strategies to contain it or channel it effectively.
Step 2: If you do, acknowledge that you have a problem managing anger
It is an observed truth that you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. So it is important to identify and accept that anger is a roadblock to your success.
Step 3: Use your support network
If anger is a problem, let the important people in your life know about the changes you are trying to make. They can be a source of motivation and their support will help you when you lapse into old behavior patterns.
Step 4: Use Anger Management techniques to interrupt the anger cycle
Pause
Take deep breaths
Tell your self you can handle the situation
Stop the negative thoughts.
Step 5: Use empathy
If another person is the source of your anger, try to see the situation from his or her perspective. Remind yourself to be objective and realize that everyone makes mistakes and it is through mistakes that people learn how to improve.
Step 6: Laugh at yourself
Humor is often the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously.
The next time you feel tempted to kick the photocopier, think about how silly you would look and see the humor in your inappropriate expressions of anger.
Step 7: Relax
Angry people are often the ones who let the little things bother them. If you learn to calm down you will realize that there is no need to get uptight and you will have fewer angry episodes.
Step 8: Build Trust
Angry people can be cynical people. They believe that others are going to do something on purpose to annoy or frustrate them even before it happens. If you can build trust in people you will be less likely to become angry with them when something does go wrong and more likely to attribute the problem to something other than a malicious intent
Step 9: Listen
Miscommunication contributes to frustrating and mistrusting situations. The better you listen to what a person is saying, the better able you will be to find a resolution that does not involve an anger response.
Step 10: Be Assertive
Remember, the word is assertive NOT aggressive. When you are angry it is often difficult to express yourself properly. You are too caught up in the negative emotion and your physiological symptoms (beating heart, red face) to put together solid arguments or appropriate responses. If you learn to assert yourself and let other people know your expectations, boundaries, issues, and so on, you will have much more interpersonal success.
Step 11: Live each day as if it is your last
This saying may be overused, but it holds a fundamental truth. Life is short and it is much better spent positively than negatively. Realize that if you spend all your time getting angry, you will miss out on the many joys and surprises that life has to offer.
Step 12: Forgive
To ensure that the changes you are making go much deeper than the surface, you need to forgive the people in your life that have angered you. It is not easy letting go of past hurts and resentments but the only way to move past your anger is to let go of these feelings and start fresh. (Depending on what, or who, is at the root of your anger, you may have to solicit the help of a professional to achieve this fully.)
These 12 steps form a comprehensive plan to get control of inappropriate and unproductive anger. And the quicker you begin the better. Anger and stress are highly correlated and the effects of stress on the body are well documented. Visit the MindTools stress management section to learn even more about the effects of stress and how to deal with it. You will find that many of the techniques presented here are used in stress management as well because both are negative, emotional-based influences in our lives, and the approach for dealing with them is therefore quite similar.
Even if you are not at the point where you feel your anger is a problem, it is a wise idea to familiarize yourself with the processes listed. If you do not have the tools to deal with anger correctly, it has a way of building-up over time. Before you know it, you can be in a position where anger is controlling you and becoming a negative influence in your life. Being proactive with anger management will help to ensure it remains a healthy emotion that protects you from unnecessary hurt or threat.
Key Points
Anger is a powerful force, both for good and bad. Used irresponsibly, it can jeopardize your relationships, your work and your health.
Redford Williams’ 12-step approach for dealing with unconstructive anger is a well-balanced system that emphasizes knowing yourself and your triggers and then using that awareness to replace negative angry behavior with more positive actions and thoughts. While you don’t want to quell your anger completely, you do need to manage it if you’re to use it creatively.
And remember that anger can be creative. People act when they get angry. And providing their actions are constructive, this actually helps drive change and get things done.
Anger can be normal and healthy emotion that helps us instinctively detect and respond to a threatening situation. More than this, when it is properly channeled, it can be a powerful motivating force – we all know how hard we can work to remedy an obvious injustice.
However it can also be an emotion that gets out of control, leading to stress, distress, unhealthiness and unhappiness. Uncontrolled anger can seriously harm your personal and professional life, because it can become incredibly destructive – to yourself and the people around you.
And in a modern workplace that often demands trust and collaboration, it can cause great damage to working relationships
This article teaches an effective 12-step approach that helps you direct your anger constructively rather than destructively. The 12-step approach is based on the ideas of Duke University’s Redford Williams, MD, who with his wife, authored the best-selling book Anger Kills. (In this book, Williams discusses 17 steps for controlling anger – these are often abridged to the 12 steps described here.
Understanding the Theory
Anger is a well-developed coping mechanism that we turn to when our goals are frustrated, or when we feel threat to ourselves or to people, things and ideas we care about. It helps us react quickly and decisively in situations where there is no time for a careful, reasoned analysis of the situation. And it can motivate us to solve problems, achieve our goals, and remove threats.
Acting in anger can serve, therefore, to protect yourself or others. A positive response and constructive outcome can improve your self-esteem and self-confidence.
The Danger of Anger - Foolishness...
On the other hand, a negative response can damage relationships and lead to a loss of respect and self-respect. This is particularly the case when we react instantly and angrily to what we perceive to be a threat, but where that perception is wrong. This can leave us looking very foolish.
So we need to learn to use anger positively, and manage it so that it is constructive and not destructive. Where situations are not immediately life-threatening, we need to calm down and evaluate the accuracy of our perceptions before, if necessary, channeling anger in a powerful but controlled way.
Anger management, then, is the process of learning how to “calm down” and diffuse the negative emotion of anger before it gets to a destructive level.
A Subjective Experience
People experience anger in many different ways and for many different reasons. What makes you angry may only mildly irritate one of your colleagues, and have little to no effect on another. This subjectivity can make anger difficult to understand and deal with; it also highlights that the response is down to you. So anger management focuses on managing your response (rather than specific external factors). By learning to manage your anger, you can develop techniques to deal with and expel the negative response and emotions before it causes you serious stress, anxiety and discomfort.
Despite our differences in the level of anger we feel toward something, there are some universal causes of anger that include:
Frustration of our goals
Hurt
Harassment
Personal attack (mental or physical) on ourselves
Threat to people, things or ideas that we hold dear.
We commonly experience these potential anger triggers in our daily lives. An appropriate level of anger that is expressed correctly helps us take the right action, solve the problem that is presenting itself, or deal with the situation in a positive manner. If we can learn to manage our anger, we will learn to express it appropriately and act constructively.
Using the Tool:
So when you’re angry, use Redford Williams’ 12 steps to calm down:
Step 1: Maintain a “Hostility Log”
Download our free Hostility Log worksheet and use it to monitor what triggers your anger and the frequency of your anger responses. When you know what makes you angry, you will be in a much better position to develop strategies to contain it or channel it effectively.
Step 2: If you do, acknowledge that you have a problem managing anger
It is an observed truth that you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge. So it is important to identify and accept that anger is a roadblock to your success.
Step 3: Use your support network
If anger is a problem, let the important people in your life know about the changes you are trying to make. They can be a source of motivation and their support will help you when you lapse into old behavior patterns.
Step 4: Use Anger Management techniques to interrupt the anger cycle
Pause
Take deep breaths
Tell your self you can handle the situation
Stop the negative thoughts.
Step 5: Use empathy
If another person is the source of your anger, try to see the situation from his or her perspective. Remind yourself to be objective and realize that everyone makes mistakes and it is through mistakes that people learn how to improve.
Step 6: Laugh at yourself
Humor is often the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take everything so seriously.
The next time you feel tempted to kick the photocopier, think about how silly you would look and see the humor in your inappropriate expressions of anger.
Step 7: Relax
Angry people are often the ones who let the little things bother them. If you learn to calm down you will realize that there is no need to get uptight and you will have fewer angry episodes.
Step 8: Build Trust
Angry people can be cynical people. They believe that others are going to do something on purpose to annoy or frustrate them even before it happens. If you can build trust in people you will be less likely to become angry with them when something does go wrong and more likely to attribute the problem to something other than a malicious intent
Step 9: Listen
Miscommunication contributes to frustrating and mistrusting situations. The better you listen to what a person is saying, the better able you will be to find a resolution that does not involve an anger response.
Step 10: Be Assertive
Remember, the word is assertive NOT aggressive. When you are angry it is often difficult to express yourself properly. You are too caught up in the negative emotion and your physiological symptoms (beating heart, red face) to put together solid arguments or appropriate responses. If you learn to assert yourself and let other people know your expectations, boundaries, issues, and so on, you will have much more interpersonal success.
Step 11: Live each day as if it is your last
This saying may be overused, but it holds a fundamental truth. Life is short and it is much better spent positively than negatively. Realize that if you spend all your time getting angry, you will miss out on the many joys and surprises that life has to offer.
Step 12: Forgive
To ensure that the changes you are making go much deeper than the surface, you need to forgive the people in your life that have angered you. It is not easy letting go of past hurts and resentments but the only way to move past your anger is to let go of these feelings and start fresh. (Depending on what, or who, is at the root of your anger, you may have to solicit the help of a professional to achieve this fully.)
These 12 steps form a comprehensive plan to get control of inappropriate and unproductive anger. And the quicker you begin the better. Anger and stress are highly correlated and the effects of stress on the body are well documented. Visit the MindTools stress management section to learn even more about the effects of stress and how to deal with it. You will find that many of the techniques presented here are used in stress management as well because both are negative, emotional-based influences in our lives, and the approach for dealing with them is therefore quite similar.
Even if you are not at the point where you feel your anger is a problem, it is a wise idea to familiarize yourself with the processes listed. If you do not have the tools to deal with anger correctly, it has a way of building-up over time. Before you know it, you can be in a position where anger is controlling you and becoming a negative influence in your life. Being proactive with anger management will help to ensure it remains a healthy emotion that protects you from unnecessary hurt or threat.
Key Points
Anger is a powerful force, both for good and bad. Used irresponsibly, it can jeopardize your relationships, your work and your health.
Redford Williams’ 12-step approach for dealing with unconstructive anger is a well-balanced system that emphasizes knowing yourself and your triggers and then using that awareness to replace negative angry behavior with more positive actions and thoughts. While you don’t want to quell your anger completely, you do need to manage it if you’re to use it creatively.
And remember that anger can be creative. People act when they get angry. And providing their actions are constructive, this actually helps drive change and get things done.
Active Listening
Hear What People are Really Saying
It is obvious to say that if you have poor interpersonal communications skills (which include active listening), your productivity will suffer simply because you do not have the tools needed to influence, persuade and negotiate – all necessary for workplace success. Lines of communications must be open between people who rely on one another to get work done.
Considering this, you must be able to listen attentively if you are to perform to expectations, avoid conflicts and misunderstandings, and to succeed - in any arena. Following are a few short tips to help you enhance your communications skills and to ensure you are an active listener:
1. Start by Understanding Your Own Communication Style
Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. Understanding your personal style of communicating will go a long way toward helping you to create good and lasting impressions on others. By becoming more aware of how others perceive you, you can adapt more readily to their styles of communicating. This does not mean you have to be a chameleon, changing with every personality you meet. Instead, you can make another person more comfortable with you by selecting and emphasizing certain behaviors that fit within your personality and resonate with another. In doing this, you will prepare yourself to become an active listener.
2. Be An Active Listener
People speak at 100 to 175 words per minute (WPM), but they can listen intelligently at up to 300 words per minute. Since only a part of our mind is paying attention, it is easy to go into mind drift - thinking about other things while listening to someone. The cure for this is active listening - which involves listening with a purpose. It may be to gain information, obtain directions, understand others, solve problems, share interest, see how another person feels, show support, etc.
If you're finding it particularly difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying, try repeating their words mentally as they say it - this will reinforce their message and help you control mind drift.
3. Use Nonverbal Communication
Use nonverbal behaviors to raise the channel of interpersonal communication. Nonverbal communication is facial expressions like smiles, gestures, eye contact, and even your posture. This shows the person you are communicating with that you are indeed listening actively and will prompt further communications while keeping costly, time-consuming misunderstandings at a minimum.
4. Give Feedback
Remember that what someone says and what we hear can be amazingly different! Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. Repeat back or summarize to ensure that you understand. Restate what you think you heard and ask, "Have I understood you correctly?" If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone said, say so, and ask for more information: "I may not be understanding you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally. What I thought you just said is XXX; is that what you meant?"
Feedback is a verbal communications means used to clearly demonstrate you are actively listening and to confirm the communications between you and others. Obviously, this serves to further ensure the communications are understood and is a great tool to use to verify everything you heard while actively listening.
It is obvious to say that if you have poor interpersonal communications skills (which include active listening), your productivity will suffer simply because you do not have the tools needed to influence, persuade and negotiate – all necessary for workplace success. Lines of communications must be open between people who rely on one another to get work done.
Considering this, you must be able to listen attentively if you are to perform to expectations, avoid conflicts and misunderstandings, and to succeed - in any arena. Following are a few short tips to help you enhance your communications skills and to ensure you are an active listener:
1. Start by Understanding Your Own Communication Style
Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness. Understanding your personal style of communicating will go a long way toward helping you to create good and lasting impressions on others. By becoming more aware of how others perceive you, you can adapt more readily to their styles of communicating. This does not mean you have to be a chameleon, changing with every personality you meet. Instead, you can make another person more comfortable with you by selecting and emphasizing certain behaviors that fit within your personality and resonate with another. In doing this, you will prepare yourself to become an active listener.
2. Be An Active Listener
People speak at 100 to 175 words per minute (WPM), but they can listen intelligently at up to 300 words per minute. Since only a part of our mind is paying attention, it is easy to go into mind drift - thinking about other things while listening to someone. The cure for this is active listening - which involves listening with a purpose. It may be to gain information, obtain directions, understand others, solve problems, share interest, see how another person feels, show support, etc.
If you're finding it particularly difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying, try repeating their words mentally as they say it - this will reinforce their message and help you control mind drift.
3. Use Nonverbal Communication
Use nonverbal behaviors to raise the channel of interpersonal communication. Nonverbal communication is facial expressions like smiles, gestures, eye contact, and even your posture. This shows the person you are communicating with that you are indeed listening actively and will prompt further communications while keeping costly, time-consuming misunderstandings at a minimum.
4. Give Feedback
Remember that what someone says and what we hear can be amazingly different! Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. Repeat back or summarize to ensure that you understand. Restate what you think you heard and ask, "Have I understood you correctly?" If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone said, say so, and ask for more information: "I may not be understanding you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally. What I thought you just said is XXX; is that what you meant?"
Feedback is a verbal communications means used to clearly demonstrate you are actively listening and to confirm the communications between you and others. Obviously, this serves to further ensure the communications are understood and is a great tool to use to verify everything you heard while actively listening.
